What is your problem, Officer??

Last Wednesday was a busy one. I had more going on that one day than I ever do and I quite enjoyed having a life. Even for just one day. In the morning I had my first ever Brazilian wax. *cringe* *wince* I have to admit the masochist in me was more than pleased with how I chose to spend my morning, and the rest of me was simply delighted once the hellfire pain was through. That afternoon I helped my dad move his things, it was strangely enjoyable time spent with him, no matter the emotional component of the whole thing. I got quite the workout too, I'm always sort of glad when my manly strength comes in handy. Take that, son-my-parents-never-needed-to-have!

After that I spent the rest of my later evening with my sister, brother in law, and their furry child Roxy. It was a somewhat blissful evening involving the disappointing MLS All-Star Game (that I spent hours stressing over due to scheduling conflicts and lack of ESPN2 being available at our restaurant of choice) then we went to my brother in law's parents' house to visit after their long Hawaiian trip, had some nice conversation and then ventured out to get snow cones! Huzzah!

This is where I will probably get a little fired up...so hide yo kids.

I decided to take a "peaceful" route back to my sister's place instead of the freeway, cause I mean, when you're having a nice night and your sister lives on a mountainside, the slower, longer, scenic route is almost always the better one. Not tonight. I'm no astronomer, astrologist, cosmo counter, astronaut, or NASA specialist, but I will contend that the moon was FULL and all the jerks and weasels were out in uniform patrolling that night and it was only a matter of time before our paths crossed. Somewhere around 5 blocks in fact. I will give you my version as it is the right best version. I can not pretend to know what crawled up Officer No Name's behind that evening, but I would imagine there was some reason for his truly rotten demeanor, and it most certainly involved a dead rodent lodged up his hind quarters.

I was scooting along at a glacial pace (not my usual I might add, but we had precious cargo on board not to mention snow cones and wicked good conversation) I approached a vehicle silver in nature, scooting along at an even slower pace failing to maintain a straight position in the lane we were both travelling. You know that style where you know they are either hopped up on drugs or out of town or unfamiliar with driving at night, afraid to make any sort of confident maneuver? Yeah that was occuring. They were going, I would bet 30-33 mph causing me to drive slightly slower. I was getting impatient, I do admit, but at no point was my blood boiling or my inclination to get out of my car and chase them down to mele them with a tire iron..no, never. Right then, their right blinker engaged with no driveway or neighborhood for half a mile and the car moved into the bike lane, ya know, like ya do. I started to go around said Giant Bicycle, and continue on my way (reaching a steady 35-37.5 mph)

At this point Michael Bay would have his hands full putting together the theatrics of this cop's run down of my car, his lights flashed, his vehicle accelerated and he zoomed passed the Giant Bicycle and got on my ass so fast I couldn't believe it. The dialogue that ensued will have you as perplexed as I was, I'm sure. I will chronicle it below with only the words spoken, and as usual what's going on inside my head. I'll put the cop's in red as that is the color of the devil. A perfect comparison.

"Do you have any warrants?"
"No.
"Have you been drinking?"
"N..."
"Do you have any weed on you?"
"N..."
"Does your passenger have any weed on them?"
"N..."
"Has your passenger been drinking...oh just the slushies."
*chuckle* "No!" (at this point my voice has achieve a decible only Roxy in the back could decipher, meanwhile he is all sorts of proud of his flashlight as he is waving it around maniacally like we're in a night club - sidenote...if my passenger had in fact been drinking, at what point am I not allowed to be soberly driving around a drunk person?)
"Do you know how fast you were going before you whipped around that car?"
"30?"
"Do you know the speed limit?"
"30? 35?"
"Do you know how fast you were going when you went around the car?"
"I would say slightly faster than I was going before I went around..."
"Let me see your license to check for warrants."
*hands licence to Officer*
*Officer slithers back to truck that makes him feel like a man*
Never did I get any sort of affirmative answer to the questions I was asked. At this point I'm choking on my angry laughter as I look at Courtney and ask her if this is really happening. We both agree that he was not expecting two white chicks and a boxer to inhabit the glorified turd that I'm driving, that does not - in fact - house bags and bags of illegal drugs. I assume they come in bags?
I hear the boots a'comin and his silhouette quickly overtakes the alien beam of light coming from his squad truck.
"I'm going to give you my speech" (I assume this is the line he uses when he's not giving a ticket but is unable to admit his mistake in PROFILING MY SUPER TRASHY CAR and pulling me over for nothing but a HINT of suspicion that I am either an illegal immigrant or drug lord of some kind...which to be honest would be in some sort of cadillac on hydrollics perhaps?)
"You were tailgating, speeding, and passing left of center. These three moving violations together would constitute wreckless driving and for your lack of patience, agressive driving. This would have been the most expensive ticket you've ever received." (To which my inner brave Jacquie was shouting HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? MY RECORD IS CLEAN YOU BLIMEY BASTARD! A $3 FINE FOR RUNNING OVER A LADY BUG WOULD HAVE TECHNICALLY BEEN THE MOST EXPENSIVE TICKET I'VE EVER RECEIVED AS FAR AS YOU'RE CONCERNED. LET ME AT 'EM" But coward Jacquie who doesn't want a ticket took it up the tailpipe.)
"Now, I'm going to let you off with this, you need to work on your anger, drive better."
(Drive better? What kind of cop are you? Angry Brave Jacquie says, "THANKS FOR JUMPING INTO MY PSYCHE AND KNOWING JUST HOW ANGRY I WAS WHEN I MOVED AROUND A CAR THAT WAS PROBABLY FULL OF A COUPLE OF HIGH TEENAGERS THAT WERE PARANOID TO MAKE A TURN THAT WAS HALF A MILE UP THE ROAD WHEN THEY PUT THEIR BLINKER ON AND MOVED INTO THE BIKE LANE, GOING A STAGGERING 30 MPH!")
Cowardly-doesn't-want-a-ticket-Jacquie said, "Alright, no problem. Have a good evening."

The profanity that ensued into my poor sister's ear that ride home was shameful, I must admit. But I truly couldn't believe this guy. With all said and done, I am just glad I didn't get a ticket. I will say I would've faught that ticket like you wouldn't believe, but boy he was seriously on one. I've NEVER in my life dealt with a cop that hopped up on his ego.

My ticket history goes something like this: 2007 - 25 mph over the speed limit on my way to Logan (not proud of this one, can't honestly say I remember going 90 in a canyon but hey--his word against mine. Went to traffic school, got it off my record. 2006 -Failure to signal while merging on the freeway. Can't even remember how that one panned out.

Now, I've been pulled over probably 3 more times without getting a ticket, all for things that when those cops came up to my window, politely asked if I knew why they pulled me over, flashed a smile and let them know what happened and realized I'm not some wiley criminal out to cause havoc, left me with some kind words of advice and sent me on my way.

Never got his name or badge number, which I will regret till the day I die.

I do want to say, my respect for the law and the men and women that protect our cities and states is probably higher than most as my uncle is a very successful, highly respected, as well as truly respectable upholder of the law, retired Chief of Police in his city in southern California, and I will always hold the police to a specific standard and respect them. I suppose that is a big part of the reason why this guy got under my skin so bad. This officer, on this particular night, on this particular stop, was an ass. Now I am singling this guy, and this occasion out because perhaps this man is a great policeman. But he should understand that every hour, every stop, every event that happens on the clock when he is in that uniform representing his city and his occupation should be treated with the same integrity. He had every right and good reason to pull me over based on any suspicion (yeah my car looks like some trashy ass loser would be driving it-- so sure, got a hunch? pull me over) but he should have been able to say "I was suspicious that you were driving a little aggressively, after all your car looks like it's done something illegal, I didn't like that you passed that car, but thanks for your honesty and be a little more patient" or something. Turning my low-speed pass into this law breaking spree just simply wasn't the case. Just because he got a regular coke instead of diet ten minutes before profiling me does not mean he should take it out on me. He was wrong, he made a mistake, and he failed to admit it. Thanks for not giving me a ticket officer.

Comments

[Courtney Archer]

He was a blithering idiot!! Fun night though, LOL!

[Lisette]

First can I just say congrats on the Brazillian! You made it through! Ha ha I love them if you can't tell! :)
Secondly, thanks for a good laugh! I just love reading your blog and especially loved getting all the details (In Jacquie lingo, of course) of this little incident that occured! All I can say is I agree with you on this one, and I too am glad you did not get a ticket!